Jokes Thread

[budwieser]

Nicked from another forum, all credit to the o/p.

A woman sitting in the pub ate a peanut, then began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent she was in real distress. two locals - Bluey and Bazza were sitting at the next table. Bluey leant over and asked "can ya swallow, love?" The distressed woman violently shook her head. "Can ya breathe?" The woman again shook her head and started to turn blue in the face. with that, bluey stood, walked behind her and lifted the back of her dress.

He yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up an down the crack of her ass. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his schooner of beer. Bazza grinned, "I'd heard of the Hind Lick Manoeuvre, mate, but thats the first time i ever seen somebody do it."

[bw41101]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked. "Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?"

Cowboy: "Well, I can think of one thing - on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman, so I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled - Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed and replied "That indeed is of merit - When did this happen?'



Cowboy:....... "Couple of minutes ago."

[JMcB]

IRISH PICK UP LINE

An Irish man walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?'

The Irish man explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Irish man smiles, taps his watch and says, .........' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

[Kymmy]

Very mysterious guy in that last post who changed from Irish to Aussie and back to Irish

[bw41101]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet guys ?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and the local beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English either - they're so arrogant and rude."

"Well if you feel like that, then why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim ever gets to drive."



Sigh...............................!

Si thee

[Pauls9]

Nice one bw. Passed on to my colleagues, including a Canadian.

[Kymmy]

They could have gone instead to Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Ireland or Japan

Or Cyprus....

[bw41101]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. .

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Kymmy]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the
mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter
asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have
to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and
learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress is still trying to track where the money went from the Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline, which is now outsourced, and was connected
to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal,
they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

[Ramrod]

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my PC monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes.

It's my screen saviour.

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she always spent hours just rubbing his testicles, something she always loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her "Why do you love doing that?"

"Because I really miss mine" she replied.....

[Mick Fisher]

[bw41101]

A mature woman (married for over 20 years) had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends. One being recently engaged, the other a mistress.

They were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing only a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

They agreed to meet a week later to exchange notes.

A week later they met up and compared each other's experience. The engaged friend, started by saying "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. when he saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long".

With this, the mistress said "me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

After this the two single ladies turned to the married woman and said "well how did it go for you then?" The woman replied, "When my husband came home, there I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door he stopped dead in his tracks, wide eyed he stared at me for what seemed like an eternity,

then said......,


"What's for tea Zorro?"

[AdamD]

Thomas The Tank Engine

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added...........

'For those of you who are p***ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.