Jokes Thread

[Angua]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,

"Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back
asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that d*mn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

[goldoni]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:


Dear Husband . You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.

[Pia]

lol i like it

[DocDutch]

LMFAO nice 1

[iadom]

Get your tax returns in one time.

http://tinyurl.com/2junko

Jim.

[AndrewJ]

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock." the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, ****s sake, you ****ing ****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

[Derek]

"Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing."

"What are the symptoms?"

"They're those yellow people on TV."

[Derek]

A lawyer goes through a stop sign and is seen and pulled over by a Police car.
The lawyer thinks he is smarter than a humble beat copper and decides he have some fun at the cops expense.
The cops asks for his driving licence and the lawyer replies
"What for?"
The cop says "You failed to come to a complete stop at that stop sign there"
The lawyer replies "I slowed down and nothing was coming"
The cop says "You didn't come to a complete stop, do you have your driving licence?"
The lawyer replies "Whats the difference?"
The cop says "The law states you have to come to a complete stop at a stop sign"
The lawyer replies "If you can show me the difference between stop and slow down I'll give you my licence. If you can't you won't give me a ticket, is that fair?"

The cop thinks about this and says "That does sound fair, please step out of the vehicle sir"
The lawyer steps out and as he does this the cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the living daylights out of him and says "Now sir, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

[xpod]

1) Whats pink and wrinkled and hangs out your underpants in the morning.......???




Your mother of course

2) Two Scottie dogs(dugs) walking down(doon) the road and one says to the other

"I`m awa"

So the other pi**ed on him

Not a joke, but a punny actual shop title.

This lunchtime, I was perambulating along Trongate in the Glasgow City Centre, when I spied a children's clothes shop with a cracking name........


Weans World.

[goldoni]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this. 'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

'We're having a new kitchen.'

[bw41101]

What about the dyslexic madam then, decided to open the biggest, poshest, most esclusive warehouse in Manchester.

Sigh..........

[goldoni]

The Biker and God

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish�.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
Ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports
Required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when
she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when
she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy".

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[gazzae]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

Not a joke, but a punny actual shop title.

This lunchtime, I was perambulating along Trongate in the Glasgow City Centre, when I spied a children's clothes shop with a cracking name........


Weans World.

Last time I was in Canada we were in Wasaga Beach, there was a Beauty/Nail Salon called....

"Get Nailed on the Beach"

[goldoni]

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Kansas, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Kansas and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The vet thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow in Kansas?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Kansas?"

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Kansas."