Jokes Thread

[TheDaddy]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved toTexas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,


'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bertstormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,

'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'


Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'


'Nope', she replied.


'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'


Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat'

Police announced today that the names "Jonathan Ross" and "Russell Brand" are to be added to the Sachs Offenders Register.

.

[Justin88]

Wow these jokes are great they are good

[bw41101]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in to the house . 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

Oh Peggy Sue what on earth has happened to you? asked her mom

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

The f*****g dance is called the Twist!

[Ramrod]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A bloke goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years..'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The bloke says, 'Yes 100%...an bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the bloke, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says... 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.'

[altis]

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

[bw41101]

It’s a classic!!

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot has had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth is rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I've tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I can think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, fed up, I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer , This should cool your behaviour" I shouted .

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out into my outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued :

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Si thee

[TheDaddy]

Christmas cake

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through
the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

[Nightcleaner]

old couple in church the woman whispers to her husband quite alarmed

"I have done a very silent Fart..... What am i going to do?



he says "change the batteries on your hearing aid"

[nixon151]

Jim and edna are mental patients, one day jim jumps in the pool and stays on the bottom, edna dives in and saves him, the director calls edna in to his office and says ive got some good news and some bad news, the good news is were releasing you as you are obviously sane sving another persons life, but unfortunately jim hung himself in the bathroom, no said edna thats where i put him to dry.

---------- Post added at 14:42 ---------- Previous post was at 14:36 ----------

Blonde wife painting the house husband walks in and cant believe she is doing so well, but to his surprise the sweat is dripping off her, her hubby ask why are you wearing a leather jacket and a parker, she said hello read the f***ing tin it says for best results put on 2 coats.

---------- Post added at 14:52 ---------- Previous post was at 14:42 ----------

ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job, ive never done that she sez wot do i have to do? well remember when you were a kid and you would shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it thats wot you do, she nods so he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shakin it, a minute later he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears, she sez whats wrong, TAKE YOUR F***ING THUMB OFF THE END.

[Mr_love_monkey]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,
I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the bloody Pope as a chauffeur!'

[Gary L]

I was sent this by SMS earlier today.

Hi there &%**^! merry $%&*@+$ christmas and a $%&*@+$ %$£* *%@$ %$£& &$£$+** happy %$**% new year.
From all your friends at the tourettes syndrome centre.

[bw41101]

Sixth Formers Science Exam with typical answers

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation, this makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them sweat a lot.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon and because the moon doesn't pull hard enough the water schlops about on the surface of the earth.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets fixed on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and starts adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with smoking cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized, E.g., abdomen.
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominal cavity contains the bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is a fibula?
A: A little liar.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.
A: The Caesarian Section is a district of Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Cor they's be difficult, dunno hows many I got roight - innit!

Si thee

[soup dragon]

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai TV refused to broadcast The Flintstones.
A spokesman said people from Dubai won't understand the humour, but those in Abu Dhabi Do!