Jokes Thread

[Gary L]

I've PM'd you it.

[bw41101]

This is an exerpt from the New York Times...We need more "victims" like Alex!
The Add Was Posted to Craig in the Personals


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. In view of this, I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Crime (sometimes) can be entertaining - can't it.

Si Thee

[Gary L]

A text I was sent.

Chinese man: me no come work, me sick
Boss: when i'm sick, i do the naughty with my wife, try it?
2 hrs l8r chinese man called back: it work, me better, u got vewy nice house.

[Mr_love_monkey]

Originally Posted by Gary L

A text I was sent.

Chinese man: me no come work, me sick
Boss: when i'm sick, i do the naughty with my wife, try it?
2 hrs l8r chinese man called back: it work, me better, u got vewy nice house.

why does he have to be Chinese?

[Gary L]

I don't know. that's who he was in the text. he could be an Englishman if you want him to be.

[bw41101]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years, to which he had a large pond at the rear. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond (as he hadn't been there for a while) and look it over. Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee and as he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He coughed loudly to make the women aware of his presence and they all rushed to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Then what are you doing here you dirty old man - one of the ladies shouted.

Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Si thee

[Matty_]

Just a tad sexist, but

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.

I no my spelling is not too good.

My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

Sinseerly,

Tiffanny


PS : Becauze my resimay is a bit short

I sent a pickture of me.






Employer's response:...
Dear Tiffany,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday

[Peter_]

[Welshchris]

How do u castrate a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

[altis]

Q: What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
A: An egg.

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Luckily, Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July.�

[Sox]

I was in my local Tesco's this morning when I had the feeling I was being followed,sure enough I turned round and a old lady was watching everthing I was putting in my trolley and stiring at me.She came over and said,please forgive me,Sir, but you have a uncanny likeness for my son,you could be his twin.She got out her handbag and drew out a photograph and showed it me.Well the man in the photograph looked nothing like me,in fact he was Chinese.She then started to tell me hoe he left home 10 years ago and he never wrote or phoned.She said now I know this might be a bit awkward for you but I really miss him calling me Mom,do you think after I leave the checkout you could shout after me,Bye Mom,it would mean so much.I said well.....erm...I dont know it's kinda awkward I feel funny.She said please it would mean so much to hear those two words again.I said well...erm...well... OK then.She thanked me and went to the checkout,I got my few things and went to the same checkout she had just packed her trolley and was about to go,she waved,smiled,and shouted BYE SON. I replied Oh BYE MOM.She then went on her way.The lady at the checkout had scaned my stuff and said that will be £150 please Sir.I said What the must be some mistake I only have these sanwiches and can of coke and chocolate bay.The girl replied no it's right your mother told me you would pay for her shopping as well.I said but...but thats not my mum I'd never seen her before today.The girl said but I heard her shout Bye Son and you replied Bye Mom.Now are you going to pay or do I have too call security.What choice did I have.I paid and raced out of the store in hope of catching her.I was just in time to see her closing the boot.I caught up with her as she was climbing in to the drivers seat.I grabbed her by the leg and started pulling and pulling her leg....................................Just as I am pulling yours now

[bw41101]

British Humour.....!! (politically very incorrect....)


Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque... They've told the public there's no need to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

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Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.... One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

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During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

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Council Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed - how could anyone stoop so low?

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Well you gotta larf - aint it!

[LondonRoad]

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.


The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.


Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'


'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.


'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'


'Very good,' said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'


'That was a fine story Sarah.'


Michael, do you have a story to share?'


'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.


She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.


She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.


She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.


Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.


And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Stay the hell away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'