Jokes Thread

[Halcyon]

LOL

[Kymmy]

It was posted in the Jokes thread on the 12th of this month..anyway threads merged

[Mr_love_monkey]

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.


Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,

'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red pantie tonight, But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes'. How do you like them?'

Next, he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps,

'Thanka God ... I thoughta I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

[Peter_]

Originally Posted by Mr_love_monkey

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.


Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,

'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red pantie tonight, But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes'. How do you like them?'

Next, he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps,

'Thanka God ... I thoughta I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

A golden oldie and who better to reprise it.

[Ramrod]

Dear Mr. Scammer
I owe you a few apologies:
• I am sorry for responding and saying sure I am happy to engage in a bizarre business deal with you knowing full well it isn’t real.
• I am sorry you wasted time to print a horrible fake check.
• I am sorry you spent $4.90 UPS’ing it to me overnight.
• I am sorry for taking a few days to get back to you after I got the check and ask you for your phone number which you can’t give me. I knew that and still I emailed you for the phone number.
• I am sorry that I lied to you and said I could not find a western union office near me, making you look them up, emailing me a list and me telling you those two liquor stores are shut down.
• I am sorry that I lied to you about getting ****ed at the western union office because they wanted $1.75 to cut a check and that I said that’s robbery and left in a huff. The truth is I never went there in the first place. Sorry for wasting your time that day.
• I’m sorry I lied the next day after you threaten to call the FBI and local police on me because I cashed your check and would not pay you. I knew you would not, but I wrote you an email begging you not to call the police and that I would pay you tomorrow after I cashed the check.
• I’m sorry that I lied the next day and said the western union office girl was rude to me so I left in anger, again delaying your money by another day.
• Im sorry I lied about sending the money to western union in your name vs the shipper so you could not pick it up. I realize this cost you a day or so.
• I am really sorry that I lied and said that the money order was at your western union, but off by 1 zip code making you drive 30 minutes to find out I am a liar.
• Your last email to me was justified. Obviously from your language you were ****ed. The fact that as you "YELLED” and your grasp of the English language seemed to fade away like my Mom’s when she is livid showed me what a bad person I am.
• Your phone call from Africa? was upsetting because as you were trying to explain to me how to go down to western union and pay the $1.75 and you would pick up the fee, I realized how frustrated you were getting. I also lied about being hard of hearing and asking you to yell. Sorry.
All in all, I am sorry for sucking up your bandwidth. I realize that my actions probably sucked up 6-10 hours of your time and kept you from fleecing some gullible person in America.
Please forgive me. Go ahead and send me another forged check and I will send you my cash to your shipper. Please try me again. Even though I lied you to about 15 times I won’t do it again.

[LondonRoad]

A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in navy.
She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day.
To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous navy suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque.
'nay charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite navy suit!' she says.
'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin.

You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive navy suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'





'So, I just switched their heids.'

[Kymmy]

Jusr read that one yesterday on a different forum except there is was a blonde female mortician

[LondonRoad]

Originally Posted by Kymmy

Jusr read that one yesterday on a different forum except there is was a blonde female mortician

Yes, I can see it would work well with blonds.

[Peter_]

FOR ALL SUFFERERS OF MAN FLU THE FACTS
_____________________________________

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

[bw41101]

New buzz Words for 2009 to enhance your street/office cred!

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
The art of waving one's arms around talking bo***cks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL BOSS .
A manager who swoops in to the area, makes a lot of noise, dumps a load of crap on everyone, then leaves.

* SALAD DODGER.
A sensitive phrase used to describe an overweight person.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day seemingly swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AIRPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of beatiing the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, racey in design and very close to the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' come s from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES...
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY DUNK
A bath where the water is so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO TUSH
A woman whose knickers are far too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

That's it and si thee

[Kymmy]

Originally Posted by bw41101

New buzz Words for 2009 :

Well if you use any of them then you'll be slightly outdated

eeerrrrmmmmm...>>> http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/24...ocabulary.html

[mr,m]

Four men in a bar:-
A Yank
A Brit
A Russian
A Pakistani

Yank say's "I'm a CIA agent"
Brit says "I'm a MI5 agent"
Russian says " I'm a KGB agent"
Pakistani says "I'm a newsagent"

[bw41101]

Originally Posted by Kymmy

Well if you use any of them then you'll be slightly outdated

eeerrrrmmmmm...>>> http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/24...ocabulary.html

Point taken and credit where it's due for 2005 - consider this as the "abridged version" for 2009.

I should bat for England.

Si thee

[Raistlin]

A recent survey showed that six out of seven dwarfs were not happy.....

[Turkey Machine]

Those buzzwords are all fantastic!!!

/me keeps.