11-05-2021, 01:01
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#1816
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cf.mega pornstar
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 18,823
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Re: Jokes Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hugh
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
Jane ate her friend's sandwich
or
Jand ate her friend's colon
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With some fava beans and a nice chianti
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12-05-2021, 14:55
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#1817
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cf.mega poster
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Kairdiff-by-the-sea
Age: 68
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Posts: 9,842
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Re: Jokes Thread
"T shirt" is the abbreviated form of "Tyrannosaurus shirt" due to the short arms.
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27-05-2021, 12:17
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#1818
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laeva recumbens anguis
Cable Forum Team
Join Date: Jun 2006
Age: 67
Services: Premiere Collection
Posts: 42,221
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Re: Jokes Thread
What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.
__________________
There is always light.
If only we’re brave enough to see it.
If only we’re brave enough to be it.
If my post is in bold and this colour, it's a Moderator Request.
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27-05-2021, 13:27
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#1819
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cf.mega pornstar
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 18,823
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Re: Jokes Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hugh
What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.
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Can't fault your spelling or counting
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27-05-2021, 14:18
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#1820
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Perfect Soldier
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Worthing West Sussex
Age: 67
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in modem mode
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Posts: 11,014
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Re: Jokes Thread
You are in a house where every window all round has a Southerly aspect.
What colour is the bear?
__________________
History is much like an endless waltz: The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.
However history will change with my coronation - Mariemaia Khushrenada
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27-05-2021, 18:19
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#1821
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cf.addict
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 178
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Re: Jokes Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hugh
What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.
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Yes, "it" has two letters
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28-05-2021, 02:23
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#1822
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cf.mega pornstar
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 18,823
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Re: Jokes Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by heero_yuy
You are in a house where every window all round has a Southerly aspect.
What colour is the bear?
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White, that question was in my exam preparation test during teacher training, I got it and a shockingly high number of people responsible for our children's education didn't
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28-05-2021, 15:29
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#1823
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Mum 15/08/46 - 30/09/20
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 55
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Re: Jokes Thread
Ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
__________________
I'm a Trustee & Secretary for a local charity
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th.
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29-05-2021, 14:05
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#1824
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Mum 15/08/46 - 30/09/20
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 55
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Posts: 16,918
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Re: Jokes Thread
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk …
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
__________________
I'm a Trustee & Secretary for a local charity
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th.
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04-06-2021, 13:11
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#1825
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laeva recumbens anguis
Cable Forum Team
Join Date: Jun 2006
Age: 67
Services: Premiere Collection
Posts: 42,221
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Re: Jokes Thread
Quote:
I was looking at a jacket in a shop this morning, and the sales assistant asked if I wanted to try it on. So I told her she had beautiful eyes.
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@MrBonMot
__________________
There is always light.
If only we’re brave enough to see it.
If only we’re brave enough to be it.
If my post is in bold and this colour, it's a Moderator Request.
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11-09-2021, 07:38
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#1826
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cf.mega pornstar
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 18,823
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Re: Jokes Thread
Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Max Clifford go into an Irish bar
Oh no not yew tree again says the barman
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11-09-2021, 22:32
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#1827
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R.I.P.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Swansea, South Wales UK.
Age: 72
Services: XL Phone, XXXL Gig1 BB SH4 (wired).
Posts: 2,753
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Re: Jokes Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDaddy
Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Max Clifford go into an Irish bar
Oh no not yew tree again says the barman
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Not only is this just bad, its wrong on so many levels.
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12-09-2021, 02:48
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#1828
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cf.mega poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: At the Leaving door
Posts: 4,050
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Re: Jokes Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by alanbjames
Not only is this just bad, its wrong on so many levels.
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Oh . . it made me chuckle, there again I'm lucky to be 'old school' with a sense of humour that hasn't faded in the wash
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12-09-2021, 11:37
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#1829
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R.I.P.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Swansea, South Wales UK.
Age: 72
Services: XL Phone, XXXL Gig1 BB SH4 (wired).
Posts: 2,753
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Re: Jokes Thread
I have a sense of humour just not about such things as sexual predators.
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13-09-2021, 14:21
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#1830
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Rise above the players
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wokingham
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Posts: 14,618
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Re: Jokes Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by alanbjames
I have a sense of humour just not about such things as sexual predators.
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We didn’t much like Hitler either, but there were plenty of jokes made about him.
Please let’s not let this wokery get in the way of humour.
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