27-09-2012, 13:43
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#1696
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Inactive
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lincoln UK
Age: 75
Services: 50Mb, TV & Phone
Posts: 3,673
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
A letter from camp:
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on
TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags
got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on
the mountain searching for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay now. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue
Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't
been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling
anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably
didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow
up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our
clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't
his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster
Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break
down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus.
He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us
ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and
talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he
is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any
cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to
the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam
was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we
didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You
can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad
about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so
we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived
into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food
poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with
food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing
his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more
beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my
turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
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11-10-2012, 15:52
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#1697
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Inactive
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Crawley
Posts: 14,025
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. "
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11-10-2012, 21:01
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#1698
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Inactive
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 461
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Apparently the Newcastle Utd squad are
upset about the new Wonga shirt
sponsorship. But Alan Pardew told them
it's not important, as long as they
just get out on the pitch
and give 4,175 percent.
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14-10-2012, 23:04
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#1699
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Inactive
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 461
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Blackberry have brought out a new fail safe anti-theft device.It's called, a Blackberry.
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17-10-2012, 22:13
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#1700
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Inactive
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 461
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
What is 1 metre long Is razor sharp comes from Japan And used by Ninja's to kill their enemies?
A white stick, according to the police.
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17-10-2012, 23:27
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#1701
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cf.mega poster
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Deepest pits of Hell
Age: 39
Posts: 4,966
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Apparently, this morning John Terry asked his legal team to help him look into his family history and try to change his nationality to Serbian.
Sorry if this is deemed too offensive, I heard it elsewhere and found it funny.
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19-10-2012, 12:50
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#1702
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EU citizen proud of it!
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Belfast
Services: TV 360 Maxit TV, Gig1 bb & a landline.....
Posts: 1,114
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Relationships that are built on lies never work out.
Just ask my estranged mother.... Steve.
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25-10-2012, 13:39
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#1703
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cf.mega poser
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 16,687
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Not particularly funny given that the link you supplied cites estimates ranging from 200,000 to 400,000 deaths amongst Vietnamese boat people.
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31-10-2012, 16:43
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#1704
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Inactive
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 461
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Happy Halloween or all saints day.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears: Bump...BUMP...BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the bathroom door. Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops
AND THERES MORE.......
---------- Post added at 16:43 ---------- Previous post was at 15:30 ----------
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. I must warn you it's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "todays market price is about £5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain"...
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
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01-11-2012, 16:24
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#1705
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R.I.P.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Swansea, South Wales UK.
Age: 72
Services: XL Phone, XXXL Gig1 BB SH4 (wired).
Posts: 2,753
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
I haven't got a twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times.
I've got three followers so far, but I think two are cops.
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02-11-2012, 08:50
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#1706
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EU citizen proud of it!
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Belfast
Services: TV 360 Maxit TV, Gig1 bb & a landline.....
Posts: 1,114
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.
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02-11-2012, 15:49
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#1707
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Inactive
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 461
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
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02-11-2012, 16:10
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#1708
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EU citizen proud of it!
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Belfast
Services: TV 360 Maxit TV, Gig1 bb & a landline.....
Posts: 1,114
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
I went diving with Dean Martin and got attacked by an eel. "what the hell was that" I screamed. He turned and said "thats a moray".
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03-11-2012, 16:04
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#1709
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R.I.P.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Swansea, South Wales UK.
Age: 72
Services: XL Phone, XXXL Gig1 BB SH4 (wired).
Posts: 2,753
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
I use to be addicted to time travel,
but now that's all in the past.
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05-11-2012, 13:22
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#1710
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Inactive
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 461
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Logic or English for the English speaking people?
Most Women most probably won't understand this, so ask a man to explain it to you.
A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
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